You Unleashed with Femi Akinyemi
You Unleashed with Femi Akinyemi
Unlocking Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence for Personal and Professional Growth with Eniye Oshunbiyi
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What does your childhood affect your work, marriage, friendships, and business? It turns out it's a lot.
Unlock the secrets to becoming the best version of yourself with executive coach Eniye Oshunbiyi as she enlightens us on self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Have you ever wondered how childhood experiences shape who you are today? Eniye and I unpack the mysteries of the unconscious mind and explore how confronting past traumas could be the key to breaking free from generational cycles. Our conversation promises a treasure trove of insights on escaping autopilot living and embracing a more intentional, fulfilling life.
Relationships are powerful mirrors reflecting our truest selves, and Eniye takes us through the transformative power of marriage and parenting. We delve into the cultural forces that shape our communication styles, offering strategies to navigate these challenges with emotional intelligence. Whether it's understanding your family dynamics better or fostering healthier interactions, our discussion provides practical tools to enhance self-awareness amidst the chaos of everyday life.
In the professional realm, we discuss how to harness emotional intelligence to navigate workplace dynamics. Feedback is not just a critique but a golden opportunity for growth, and we explore how to shift perceptions around it. Learn how to embrace feedback with curiosity, foster resilience in high-pressure environments, and wield the power of self-awareness to transform your career and personal growth journey. Tune in and join us on this enlightening path to self-discovery and empowerment.
When you think about the medal being yourself, your best, self right you will undergo the training that you need to go through. And the problem with a lot of us, myself included, sometimes we don't see ourselves as that prized medal right and so we don't put ourselves in those tough situations. But I think if we practice that, you know, then we will, you know. I think self-deceit is the worst kind of deceit. It's one thing other people lying to you, but lying to yourself is the worst kind.
Eniye:Welcome everyone to the latest edition of the you Unleashed podcast. I'm your host, femi Akinyemi, the podcast where we're all about just giving you great coaching, great insights that can help you unleash and unlock the highest performance and your best self and achieve everything you want to be. This week, I got a special, special guest with me and her name is Eniye Oshunbiyi, and she's an executive coach, she's a supervisor, and she brings a wealth of experience and expertise to support coaches, leaders, and her specialty is really around becoming is to create a trusted and supportive environment where individuals and organizations can explore their goals, overcome challenges and unleash their full potential. And one of her niche areas that she really focuses on is emotional intelligence and self-awareness, and these are things that have become very underrated. Some people talk about it and you don't really know what it means.
Eniye:Yeah, people talk about EQ, eq, a lot, and self-awareness. So I thought it would be great for us to bring someone in who can come in and give us the real truth about it, and I'll be asking the questions. You wish you were here. You would ask if you were here as well. So, with that said, welcome, enie. Thank you for coming onto the show.
Femi:Thank you so much, Femi, for having me. It's a pleasure to be here.
Eniye:So right, let's get into it. Okay, I guess let's start with this. If, by the end of this podcast, what would you kind of like the thing people to take away from this session to say, I get it now, if we were leaving, what's the one thing you would like people to be able to take away from it to feel like, yes, they get EQ self-aware everything.
Femi:That's a great question. That's a great question. I think I would really want people to go away asking the question who am I really? What drives me? Why do I do what I do? What are my triggers? Why do I show up the way I show up, professionally and personally or in my relationships? I really would want people to go away feeling more curious about themselves.
Eniye:Yeah, what drives them and why they have the outlook in life that they do I love that and I think what I'm getting from that answer, then, is that for a lot of us, we are working on almost like autopilots absolutely we. And what you're saying is you're challenging us, you're asking us to wake up, like, wake up and be aware. I think there's that thing where they always say a lot of us I think I've heard this saying somewhere where a lot of people, by the time we're 30 years old or something, we're dead, but we're just kind of, I mean, and we're just walking around till we're 80, and I think what they were I forgot exactly what the person was trying to say was a lot of us, we just don don't live, we don't, we just kind of coast through life, and I guess that's what I wanted to get to. So you've kind of said it now, which is like wake up. So what does self-awareness mean to you, I guess, and why is it so important?
Femi:Yeah.
Femi:So I guess, speaking to what you just said, it's about practicing the pause, right, as you said, where we live in a busy world and busyness is glorified and we don't stop to really think, we don't stop to take stock.
Femi:So I think it's about practicing the pause. And so, for me, what does self-awareness mean? To me, it means an insight into my own personality. It means just asking myself, knowing what are my strengths, what are my weaknesses, what are my triggers, as well as what are the things that have shaped me in my life, right, and what drives me, what are the potential pitfalls and why do those things show up the way they show up in my profession, in my relationships. It's about understanding why I am the way I am in all the different segments of my life and as human beings we're so complex. We really are, and so I think knowing our likes and dislikes and, yeah, just knowing our whys is really important, because then, when you show up and you know why you up, fully right, you're not, you're not, you're not moving under any kind of cultural or societal conditioning, and I think that's why self-awareness and and eq is really important to me.
Eniye:we have a lot to unpack there. That one I get the feeling that you're challenging all of us that. Do you even know? Know your life story? Do you? Have you taken a step back, pause and let's talk long pause? Have you taken a long pause to look at yourself from the moment you were born, where you were born, who you were born to, the family that you were born into, or the guardians or wherever you were born into, how they operated, how that has hardwired into your own way of behaving, whether it's with money, whether it's with relationships, whether it's with your work ethic, whether it's with discipline, whether it's with the way you were raised and the way you raise your own children? What is your life story? Because that's what's kind of the triggers that help you behave the way you behave. So I get this feeling, like you're saying, we should understand our own life story and that helps us understand our own triggers, our own whys and why we then automatically do the things we do without thinking about it, and it's something we have to unpack, right.
Femi:Oh, absolutely, and I think you've hit the nail on the head. It really is about. You know we don't understand that we have imprints. One of my favorite quotes with the work that I do is a quote by Carl Jung until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate. Some of us just accept that's just the way I am. Can you say that again?
Femi:please Can you say that again Even when I read it and I sat down there for a long time going oh my God, can you say that again please? So until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate.
Eniye:So let's bring this to your life Until. Until you realize, say, growing up, you grew up in a family where they were very, very money conscious, so they really held on to money and they wouldn't make investments or take risks and they would save. You would grow up one day and you'd realize that you never quite got into investments, you were never big into investments. Every money you have, you save it under your mattress, not even the bank. And you go around and you start telling people that I just never come, I just never came across an investment opportunity. Right, that's just my fit, that's just my life. And you realize that there's a trigger that's making you give that away Absolutely.
Femi:It's called childhood imprints. You know we all have imprints and if we don't take the time to understand it, it shapes us. You know how most of us, the older we get, we say oh why am I behaving just like my parent? That thing that used to irk you, that used to trigger you. But you realize that you've become that person. You're becoming your father, you're becoming your mother and you wonder why. But again, when you look at, if you go generations back, you realize that they're just operating on a conditioning that they received or didn't receive from them. So it's about, in a way I use this term loosely breaking generational curses, if you like. It's real. You know, citing it stops with me.
Eniye:It stops with me and this is where, and if you're a person of faith, you hear where in churches they talk about you need to break generational curses. And sure, there is a faith and faith and the spiritual part, but there's also a lot of and that's why a lot of the really, really good people I know, the good pastors, male and female, are the ones that kind of give it spiritual but then help you understand the practical, which is you have to go back into your life and go back and think through everything and then identify the things that you need to break. And then that's where the faith, with the courage and the strength to power through and trust in the power of god to help you overcome those things coming. But you can't fight a battle you don't know what you're fighting.
Femi:Exactly, exactly. You have to know your enemy right, and for a lot of us the enemy is us, is within ourselves. But sometimes what happens is we are too afraid to look within Because you know what you look within, and it's not always pleasant, it's not always nice, and so avoidance becomes a technique. You know that we use in life, but it we wonder why Sometimes we point the finger, we blame other people, but we have to start looking with it deep within. We are like onions. We have layers and layers, or like an iceberg, when you see what's on top, but actually I mean, it's what was beneath the iceberg that sank the Titanic, right?
Eniye:And I'm guessing that that means and we talk, and we might be talking trauma as well here now. So there might even be things where, as a coping mechanism, you're even behaving as if these things never happened completely. I mean that sure that that's something that you can remember, but a lot of us don't want to dig in because it's traumatizing, it's hard to remember and you just don't want to go there. So a certain extent you've almost blacked out like this did not happen the way I forgot, and I know there's some psychological phenomenas, there's some explanation around the way, some deep trauma.
Eniye:You literally just black it up, or you create a new frame, a new framing around it. You give, you give it a positive framing and that all of a sudden makes it go, does it? And the last thing is, for a lot of us we don't want to do work because ultimately it puts a responsibility on us to change. Ultimately it becomes Femi, this is on you, it's not on your wife, it's not on your kids, it's not on your kids, it's not on your mom, your dad, your friends. This is a you problem, right?
Femi:Absolutely. We have to take responsibility. That's part of growing up. You know adulthood is hard, but that's part of what we need to do. And, speaking to what you were just referring to, you know we create these false paradigms. I think that to what you were just referring to. You know we create these false paradigms. I think that's what you're trying. We create false paradigms. We tell ourselves a story that we begin to believe and we really believe that story. But then when somebody comes whether it's in the workplace or a friend or a spouse or whatever gives you feedback, people blow up and they're like how dare you know? It touches a wound, but even that is enough data to tell you that there's something there. Stop and explore. Why are you triggered? Because that person said that there's something there, but you blocked it out. You don't want to go there, and self-awareness is all about going there in order to heal. It's all about going there in order to become this wholesome person that we were all designed to be.
Eniye:Yeah, I love that because if you're not self-aware, then you're not being wholesome, because you're obviously working around with some on deltrid parts of your life, which means you are not being everything you are created to be, because you're damaged but you're incomplete absolutely, absolutely.
Femi:we can never be our authentic selves and I know that word is used a lot, but actually we have to be intentional about working towards authenticity. Who am I accepting? The good, the bad and the ugly of ourselves, because that is what our stories is, what shapes us, is what forms us, is what dictates how we relate to other people and how we relate to ourselves. So we have to go there.
Eniye:It can be overwhelming, though, because sometimes I mean, I use myself as an example. Conversations like this help me understand, because it's partly what I do. It's what I do as well, and I talk to others. You also want to understand and appreciate how far I am from the highest functioning I can be Now. Number one I probably need to be gracious to myself to understand that there is nobody that is completely highest functioning, because we're all dealing with something, so don't worry, fear me about being your absolute, perfect self. What you need to be is self-aware and get better. But also, though, sometimes I look at all the areas of my life that I know I can do better.
Eniye:And number one I probably forget to appreciate the things I do well because I'm focused on that problem. And the second one it's just overwhelming. It's just overwhelming, like how am I going to get better at saying no to people? How am I going to get better about my people's expectations? How am I going to get better at being able to hold myself accountable and just go? Just being who I am is just. It's an easy part for me.
Eniye:Let me just be me and the person that loves me, accepts me, the person that doesn't please, yeah yeah, yeah, absolutely, and you're you're right, it is overwhelming.
Femi:It is overwhelming, but I think this is where we recognize that we all need support. We're not designed to do it alone. We're designed as human beings to live in community. We're not meant to be isolated.
Femi:One of the greatest joys of my work as a self-awareness coach is holding that space for people. It's like every day I hear people come, but in that safe space they can unpack, they can understand themselves, they don't feel judged, and I have those spaces where I go. It's like even in therapy, a therapist needs their own therapist because you need to go and release and unpack and process, and so I think it's really, really important that we can't do that and we need the support and that's how we get through it. We need those meaningful spaces where we can go and we can share who we are and we can get perspective. But each person needs to be willing to do the work. The work still falls down to us to do the work, but we can do it in manageable chunks, in ways that are conducive for our own learning styles and our own growth and development styles, because everyone's different, right. There's many different ways that we can do it.
Eniye:Fabulous Thanks for that. So let's bring you back on track now. So I guess for you, because it's an interesting area you help people grow on. So is there a crucial moment in your own life that kind of significantly that helped you understand self-awareness and significantly enhanced your own self-awareness, and that kind of shift, your journey, what was your own come to Jesus. Moments when we talk about self-awareness.
Femi:I love that. So I think for me there are three main areas that have really forced me to look within. I mean first, my faith. I think, as an adult, the first time I questioned why do I even believe what I believe Like, why do I, why do I do this, what does this say? And I realized that a lot of it was just kind of borrowed. It was borrowed faith, it was borrowed beliefs. And until I started to look for myself, question and dispel the things that I thought there's nowhere where this, what, what, that was a. That was a huge moment for me. Marriage and parenting is another one. A huge moment for me. Marriage and parenting is another one, I think, huge, huge, huge.
Femi:You get married and all of a sudden there's someone that you're sharing your space with, your life with, and they tell you things and it's almost like you have this constant mirror following you around either in how you respond to things, and you wonder, oh, and they're like why did you respond that way? And my husband's very deep, so he likes to ask a lot of questions, and I realized that I grew up in a family where we didn't go that deep, right, we didn't have a lot of in-depth conversations, whereas my husband I mean his father was a barrister. He'd sit them around the table and he's like state your case. So of course, yeah, from the oldest to the youngest. And so you get married to someone like that and they're saying state your case. And you're thinking, no, everything is in my head. I don't state what, what like what, what are you talking about? So I think that brought up a lot for me. It made me see myself for who I truly was. And, of course, you know when you are.
Femi:I was raised very differently African parents and Nigerian parents and then you have your children in a completely different society, where they're taught to question, they're taught to challenge. And all of a sudden you're like what? And all these triggers flying everywhere and you're thinking, okay, what is this about? So it made me look back at my own upbringing. I thought I'm raising my children in a completely different context. So, of course, what I'm getting from them but again, all of that is data. Why am I responding this way? Why are my emotions responding this way? Why do I think this way? Why do I go into my shell? Why do I hide? Why do I not want it? Everything, everything from embarrassment, shame, guilt, you know, fear of just being just voicing, finding my own voice. I think all of these three areas have been really significant in just bringing that side out of me. And it's still a journey and I think it won't be a journey for the rest of my life. I am not there. I'm still learning every day, and every day something new is revealed.
Eniye:That's so powerful because, especially like a lot of us and a lot of listeners on the podcast who are in relationships or our parents, our parents or our relationships and sometimes, sometimes when you're younger, the relationship is all about the vibes, the love and everything. So those deep conversations maybe don't need to happen because you kind of just on emotional energy. You've got loads of emotional energy and physical energy so you can just ride everything. But as you start to get older, you just become like your tolerance levels are a bit less and you all need that, that we need to be on the same page.
Eniye:Conversation needs to happen and if you're not someone that, if you're from a home that open conversations is a thing and everyone just communication is a strength, yeah. But if you're from someone that's from a home that don't really do talking, if I tell you that, fine, but you're fine, but you're fine. And that can lead to a lot of because they, and then for a lot of us, we find ourselves snapping our children. But it's like I'm like you, I'm, I'm, I'm having raising my children in, in, in in the west, not unlike some of our counterparts, we raise them so and, to be honest, it doesn't even matter whether it's children raised in Nigeria, and the children are just different.
Eniye:Now, absolutely, social media, everything, there are a lot more willing to just challenge you and go why? Why? In our own days, when they say it's how dare you? It's like that, or just follow, do you question me? You said what? Yeah, now we're having to learn a new way of engaging, communicating, relating, and we're having to confront our own hardwirings and our own childhood imprints, as you said Yep, absolutely, you are absolutely right.
Femi:I think you know we grew up in a culture where children are kind of seen, not necessarily heard, and these days children want to be seen and they want to be heard, and they want to be right.
Eniye:And they don't want to hear you. They don't want to hear you, but they want to be heard.
Femi:You do get that? Yes, Absolutely, Absolutely, and I think yeah. So that creates conflicts and if we again are not emotionally intelligent enough to manage what these things are bringing up, it will impact our families, it will impact our relationships. So emotional intelligence in that area is really crucial to foster that understanding, to foster that understanding.
Eniye:So I guess the question then becomes what are some of the barriers? I mean, we've kind of said it because it's subconscious, but what are some of the common barriers to self-awareness and how can we overcome them? And I guess this links in quite nicely to, if you need, to the tools, what tools, techniques we can use. And I guess the very first question is how do we, without coming to someone like you because I'm sure you'll share later on how we can see someone like you how do we self, can we self-diagnose? And just, is there anything we can do to self-diagnose, to at least be aware that? Okay, femi Ene, there's a problem here. You need to, it's not a problem but, this is who you are.
Eniye:Yeah, yeah, you need it all. It's not a problem, but this is who you are.
Femi:Yeah, yeah, absolutely I think. Speaking to your very first question, what are some of the common barriers? We just talked about cultural conditioning, right, social conditioning. We go with the flow, we go with the status quo. I mean, we can never discover ourselves if we're just trying to be like everybody else. There's only one, you right. So you need to discover that uniqueness about you. So that's one of the barriers. I think there are other barriers Life is busy. We talked about that earlier. Lack of self-reflection. People don't pause enough where everyone's hustling, everyone's rushing from one thing to the other, so there's no time to really stop and think. In some contexts, pride, ego, shame, guilt stops people from going there, from really looking in the mirror. Emotional immaturity, just not having the capacity to look within ignorance.
Eniye:You just don't know what you don't know.
Femi:You don't know what you don't know, fear of change I mean I could go on. Lack of feedback, seeking external validation. All of those things are huge barriers and I think you talked about. You asked about tools, or I think. Yeah, I think when I work with my clients, one of the first things that I love to do with them is some form of assessment. Depending on the individual and where they're at, there are a range of assessment tools or personality profiles that are really good in helping us to understand. I mean, these things have been developed with psychology in mind and I think there are so many different types of frameworks to use to understand.
Femi:Okay, what kind of personality type am I? Am I introverted, am I extroverted? Those things play a role. And then, with that, how do I then show up? How do I show up in different contexts?
Femi:I really love the Myers-Briggs personality profile because it really they've developed it over time for you to know what your personality type is and then how you show up in different areas, even down to the point of what kind of career suits you best, what kind of relationships, who do you most form relationships, what are you drawn to, what are your interests, what are your dislikes. It really helps to enhance your level of self-awareness. Now, I always say that they're not like this death sentence, as this is who you are, because you'll come to know that as we grow older, as we shape and as we move and go into different spaces in our lives, different seasons of our lives, people morph, people change. I'm not the same person that I was in my twenties, and so I think we shift and we change, but I think it's really important that we do those things. Stop and reflect. Journaling, taking stock that's another good way.
Eniye:So, on journaling, I was going to ask you about journaling. That's probably the one that I would probably think we can give people a nice practical tool, because everything else is useful, but probably reflection allows you to reflect on self-pride, allows you to reflect on guilt, allows you to reflect on everything. You can stop and pause. Like you said, and some people might find it, journaling is things like just walking. If you're going to go for it, is there like mental film work you can use to kind of help them? Or is there something that they can just use to take away from this ago let me just try it where I am or any techniques you could suggest?
Femi:yeah, absolutely. I think. Um, you know questions. You can never underestimate the power of questions, and so the the first question what do you want to know about yourself? And we talked earlier why am I the way? I am Stopping to ask yourself questions? Or just even this thing about body scanning, like, oh, I'm feeling this, what am I feeling? Why am I feeling this? Am I anxious, Am I nervous, Am I afraid? Like learning, you know, there's all the emotional wheels and charts and getting in tune I really love.
Femi:I'm working. I'm working on a project at the moment and hopefully that will be out at the end of the year, but I'm I'm taking a look at just all aspects of the human life and and each day, for people to pause at certain times of the day and to ask themselves some reflective questions. And I think it's really important, because I think we don't take enough time to ask ourselves questions when we wake up in the morning. First thing in the morning, what is setting your intentions for the day? And then checking in with yourself in the middle of the day how's the day gone so far? I like to ask myself at the end of the day what went well today, and the reason I do that is I believe it or not, have a sort of propensity towards negative thinking. I can always think, oh, the glass is half empty rather than half full. And so I'm trying to condition myself to think, okay, take stock of what went well today.
Femi:And in doing that, once I've captured that, I can practice gratitude right For the little things and then think, okay, that didn't go well. So I can practice gratitude right For the little things and then think, okay, that didn't go well, so I can tackle this the next day. Or our feelings. Why do I feel this? Hmm, okay, oh, my husband said this to me. Oh, my daughter said this to me, and you can take stock of that. And then you can recalibrate, Then you can do something about it, Whether you need to go and have a conversation with someone or whether you need to address something. Is it an injustice that I felt? Is it an unfairness? Is there just what is it? What is it that's going on with me?
Eniye:no, fabulous, that makes so much sense. So I you've mentioned feedback, so how important is feedback in in developing your self-awareness? And because a lot of us can be resistant to feedback as well, or negative feedback, because we're worried. So is there any way we can go about getting feedback? And for a lot of us, we are vulnerable and that's why we don't want to, and the world can be hurtful enough as it is. So how can you go about getting feedback for yourself?
Femi:yes, that's a that's a really good question. Feedback is crucial for, say, feedback is a gift, right? So first of all, it starts by shifting our paradigm, shifting our understanding of what feedback is, shifting that perspective. If you see feedback as negative, you will run away from it. If you see it as a gift, you will lovingly accept it and unwrap it.
Femi:And I think, with feedback, I think the word that comes alongside that is curiosity. Why that question? Why? Why did this person say this to me? Is there something I'm not seeing? We all have blind spots. Everybody has blind spots. I don't care who you are, we all have blind spots, right, we can think that we are fantastic.
Femi:So I think, if you are someone who is afraid of feedback, start by practicing asking yourself tough questions, right, because if you develop that habit of asking yourself tough questions and when someone else asks you tough questions like, oh, okay, and there's that saying, feedback is the breakfast of champions, and but I think when you think about these people I mean, we've just watched the Olympics, right you think about these people, what they put themselves through in order to get that medal. When you think about the medal being yourself, your best self, right, you will undergo the training that you need to go through. You will undergo. And the problem with a lot of us, myself included, sometimes we don't see ourselves as the prize, the prize, prized, medal right, and so we don't put ourselves in those tough situations. But I think if we, if we practice that, then we we will. I think self-deceit is the worst kind of deceit. It's one thing, other people lying to you, but lying to yourself is the worst kind.
Eniye:It's the worst kind and I love what you just said around you are the prize. I think not in a, in this, in an arrogant way, but if you see yourself as I too, I am of worth, I too I am of value, and then I've worked hard to get myself to become the person a better person once you do, then you want to make sure that whoever you give yourself to is deserving of you as well. So that makes yourself aware that before anyone takes shots at me, anyone throws shade at me, before anyone insults me, before anyone takes it for granted, I know who I am, I know how much I've built myself to get to where I am, and you see yourself as a treasure, as a gold, as something valuable. All of a sudden, your, your values, your morals, your standards rise and you all of a sudden know that you don't cast your pearl to the swine as it is, you all of a sudden go I'm, I'm.
Eniye:I'm not perfect, but I work hard to build myself to where I am. So you appreciate me and you value me and you treat me with honor as well, and I would do the same likewise to you.
Femi:Yeah, yeah, no, you're right and I think you know, when I think about my younger self and you grew up in an environment where it's not because our parents were bad or they just didn't know what, they didn't know Right. And so a lot of the time you get a lot of correction, I find myself doing that as a parent, I have to catch myself. You know you want to correct, correct, correct, correct all the time, but you don't really celebrate the things. You don't really say, oh, you did this really well, well done, no matter, those things are just taken for granted. That, of course, that's what I grew up afraid of criticism, because I just thought, oh my gosh, you hear it so much and I think that's why a lot of people are afraid of it, because they just see it as another put down right Rather than.
Femi:But if you give feedback and a lot of people even in that, actually I want the best for you, I'm on your side, I'm rooting for you then that would make a difference, right, that would make a difference to how we receive feedback. But I think, especially if we took the time to really know and see the person in front of us who we're giving that feedback to If someone's already really insecure, and screaming at them and shouting at them and telling them how worthless they are, they're not going to receive it. They're not going to receive that well. So I think how we communicate that is just as important as what we communicate to the person. Oh, fabulous.
Eniye:So and that is a nice segue, because how we do things is formed a lot by emotional intelligence. So what is emotional intelligence? Because we hear a lot about EQ, EQ, emotional intelligence. What exactly is it?
Femi:So it's interesting. I'll kind of put emotional intelligence alongside self-awareness, in a way in order to describe it. So what I would say is self-awareness in a way, in order to describe it. So what I would say is self-awareness is coming to consciousness about something. Emotional intelligence is the practice of that consciousness. Mm yeah, so you are aware of something, and then how you show up in a relationship situation or in a work situation, or is your ability to take that consciousness and live it out in a way that is wholesome?
Eniye:So it's knowing who you are, your story, why you react to the way you do, and now using that information, using that information about yourself, using it to engage with others, while you're being conscious of who of them and yourself. So it's some of these like multi-dimensional kind of understanding who you are but at the same time, in real time understanding. Oh yes, I behave this way because when I was young, I was always criticized. So when you're your child, but when you're about to scream at your child, you kind of go yes, this is very sadio that I used to get screamed at and I really should not be doing this I kind of take a deep breath.
Eniye:And that's what you're doing with intelligence?
Femi:Yeah, absolutely Absolutely. I think you're right. Emotional intent. There's two segments to it. There is an understanding and a knowledge of self, and then there is an understanding and an awareness of how you show up to others or in other situations. So two different ways. And again, as I said earlier, no one is an island. We don't live in isolation, and so how you are perceived by others is just as important as how you perceive yourself.
Eniye:How you're perceived by others is almost as important as how you perceive yourself. Yeah, this comes out to the whole self-image thing, right?
Femi:Yeah, absolutely. I think sometimes we can think, oh, I don't care what anyone else thinks about me and we shouldn't to a large extent. But actually the downside of that is that you go around doing whatever it is If you're not emotionally intelligent and you're operating in a way that is detrimental. I mean, think about the consequences you could get fired from your job, you could lose relationships, you could cause friction with your children and all of that. So I think you do have to have that lens on how am I coming across and what's driving me. So that consciousness of yourself that, knowing what it is, what baggage am I bringing into this situation? What triggers am I bringing? Because your perspective will shape how you go up in those situations.
Eniye:Oh, fabulous. So I guess are there some ways we can develop our own imaginary intelligence? I guess are there some ways we can develop our own imaginary intelligence. Is there any hacks or how? Because a lot of us and I don't want to say, but at least in our African culture and our Nigerian culture, a lot of us, imaginary intelligence is not a thing, no-transcript, you just say what you want to say. I won't say we're not evolved, but you just say what you want to say, or you just what you want to do, because and art has its own strengths as well.
Eniye:But how can a lot of us just become, even if it's a little bit more emotional intelligence? How can we be a bit more? Come and work with me. You have to say, come and work, we're going to come to that. But we're going to kind of switch that emotional intelligence with weakness. Yes, and we're from a very patriarchal, macho culture. So if you very quickly, if you're emotional intelligence, that means you're seen as you're weak. So how do we change the paradigm and how do we become a bit more imaginative?
Femi:Yeah, no, that's a great question, I think, in all seriousness, I think one of the things that I'm seeing in my line of work is again this thing about busyness. I can't stress this enough. The world is moving at such a fast pace, right, high-pressured environments are the worst, and I've worked with leaders and individuals who work 12-hour days, long hours, shifts, patterns, all of these things and everyone's trying to survive, right, I get that, but I think one of the things is we cannot develop emotional intelligence if we don't take the time to slow down and reflect. I think reflection is the most powerful thing that we can do. Right, and even in a spiritual sense. You don't slow down, you don't hear God, you don't know. There is so much. You have to be still, be still, exactly being, still, being still, and if we can just see that as the highest currency of life, we would change the way that we do things. Our values will change, because when you stop and you slow down, you will also recognize what's driving your values and you are able to make those changes. So I think, yes, there are many ways.
Femi:We talked about slowing down. We talked about capturing your thoughts, journaling, working with a coach, working with a therapist. Those things are really good, because you need that space to function, seeking actively, seeking feedback right, rather than waiting for it to be slammed on. You Like, oh, how did I come across? How did I do this? Again, we talked about learning to ask ourselves those tough questions, questions, just daily reflective practices, mindfulness. There's this thing about like sometimes people think, oh, it's just like heebie-jeebie, but actually it really is just about slowing down and, yeah, calm down, find somewhere to sit down.
Eniye:Yes, give me moments, a me moment to just breathe and just be centered. And when we say me, it doesn't mean like sitting in front of Netflix.
Femi:No no.
Eniye:Be still with your thoughts, confront your thoughts, look at yourself in the mirror and deal with yourself. Got it? Have a chat with yourself.
Femi:That's it. That's it. But I think there's also something about. I work with a lot of people and sometimes you say something and then sort of two, three sessions down the line, you come back to the same thing. We talked about this before.
Femi:Getting people to write things down right Is so important Writing things down. When you write it down and you start, you won't be able to run away from it because you'll come back and it will still be there. Sometimes, when we don't write things down, things shift in our heads, the narrative changes, the story changes. Have you ever been in a conversation where someone's saying something you're like that's not how I remember it, like that's not, and they like I wrote it down, this is exactly what you're like, exactly, exactly Right or kind of. And that's why it's really good Like even when I work with clients, I love sometimes to just send a summary of the conversation so that we can go back to it, because when we have that final reflective report, when we look back, we're saying, okay, these are the things.
Femi:You won't be able to run away from it, because then, if we didn't deal with it in the way, we can come back to it and address it again. So I think it's, it's, yeah. So those, those are just some some really good ways um, but we need to slow down.
Eniye:I think we're just we are running too fast, okay, so let's help people out there. So in the workplace, as minorities black black, black women, age there's a lot of us. In many different ways we are minorities.
Femi:Yeah.
Eniye:And we're dealing with lots of emotional challenges. That brings that like being in an office, being at a board meeting and being the only person there and you're trying to make your voice heard and it's challenging. For example, can you share some strategies for helping us manage our emotions in the workplace, especially in tiny situations where you feel like you're being targeted, even if you may not be sometimes? Sometimes perception is reality. How can we be a lot more emotionally intelligent in the workplace as minorities, as Black men, women, young people, old people? How can we be a bit more emotionally intelligent? Break it down for us.
Femi:Wow, this is really fresh. This is really fresh. I just had a conversation about this just a couple of days ago where someone had encountered something at work I mean, she's a Black woman and something really triggering, and one of the first things I said to her was okay, just pause, let's just pause, think, okay, let's be curious. Rather than us jumping to conclusion, which we can do sometimes, let's just pause, analyze yourself. Okay, what is really going on here? Don't just react to a situation. Right, take time to ask yourself why is it so? In this context, somebody has been passed over for promotion. You know there are these other people that have been, that have been promoted. Okay, why take the time to ask what developmental opportunities have you had, the same opportunities available to you? Have you taken up those opportunities? Like, just be curious, what is it about this person and that person? Think about yourself in the workplace. Think about in meetings. What are your confidence levels, like in meetings?
Femi:As a Black woman I'm also I know that it's very easy for unconscious biases to come in. I can easily just jump to the conclusion as well that oh, it's because. But I really try not to do that. The first thing that I do is let's take a look at us, let's take a look at ourselves. What's really going on? And then we might end up coming to the conclusion that, hey, there's something funny going on. But let that not be the first thing that you do, except if it's been explicitly said to you.
Femi:Right, take the time, ask some questions of yourself and ask yourself what am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? Is there a pattern? Has there been a pattern, and what is that pattern? Have I taken up any? Have I asked for support? Have I been offered any support? And then I think there are other things. You've asked yourselves those difficult questions, because sometimes people might realize that you know what? I actually haven't taken any opportunity to develop myself, maybe gone on any courses, or maybe it's been suggested to me and I haven't done it, or maybe I haven't set boundaries or whatever. It might be right. Ask yourself the tough questions first, and then you can start looking for things like sort of there are support groups. Are there any support groups available for me, because your mental wellbeing is important.
Femi:Right, identify. Are there any microaggressions going on? But if you haven't paused, you won't even see them. They might just even go over your head. Are there such things going on?
Femi:Make it a habit of documenting. And again, this is the thing about writing down things. Are there any patterns so that if you go into a meeting you want to go in armed with, on this day, this, this, you take stock of what's been going on so that you can say, actually I asked for this at the same time as this person, but this person got it and I didn't. Is there a reason why and yeah, trying to know, the company policies address elephants in the room. Sometimes we don't say things. We don't say things that people think, oh, now that's where people see that as a sign of weakness, if you haven't addressed things and you've let things slide for so long. You know, know, there's a number of reasons why people do that. Right, you're, a lot of people will say I don't want to lose my job, I don't want it, when this, this thing about job security, really lets people take anything that comes they're great.
Eniye:I'm grateful for what I have. So exactly. I'm the only, I'm the only black person here, so it just means so. I'm just just good to where I have it. I don't want to lose it.
Femi:Exactly, exactly. But we need to take the time to develop our confidence, but as well as develop our competence. You can't just sit there and say, oh, because I'm the only one, these things should be handed to me. No, you want to be competent, you want to have that confidence that, no, I deserve. I've worked hard to get to where I am. Yeah, and really, sort of what initiatives am I leveraging? What programs within the organization am I leveraging and know when to escalate or leave? Actually Know when to escalate or know when to leave. And this person that I was talking to is beginning to recognize that you know what? I think I've overstayed my welcome, and then that there's something with that as well. It then impacts on one's confidence because they feel like, oh, I can't, because I know that I've overstayed, maybe I won't have these opportunities here if I move, and therefore so it's. It becomes this vicious cycle and you're just trapped. Yeah.
Eniye:No, that that that you've wrapped up so much of the things and the thing I'm getting from that is one of the bigger things is really, instead of just reacting, make sure you react. You act proactively, which is it's not about how you react in the moment, it's being able to take a deep breath and reflect on everything and just understand where is my issue, or where is it that I'm the one who's got a part to play, or where is it that I know this is being unfair? And if this is being unfair, I should be able to articulate it. Articulate it I should have it's been documented and there's a trend here and there are some things I need to do, but I know.
Eniye:But the one thing you don't want to do is look like you're just all over the place and you have no clear. You have no clear case. You want to make sure that you've reflected on it and you absolutely are confident that you know what you're seeing and you're not imagining stuff, and that's the first step to doing that, and then you can make a proactive decision. When you go to them and they're not forthcoming in what you want to see, then you know okay, this is not a place I want to be anyway, and for the next three months maybe I'll just take a long to make sure, and then, once I find somewhere else I want to go, I go. And then, once I find somewhere else I want to go, I go.
Eniye:And then, when you're going somewhere else, you already know the questions to ask before you go is how do you deal with scenarios like this, like this, like this and that's all anybody can do sometimes is make sure that before you go somewhere you ask the right questions, and once they tell you we do things correctly, then you have to take them at their word, and if they don't, again you can come back to them and say we discussed this, you promised me you would do this and you're not doing it.
Femi:Yeah, I think I know that sometimes HR has a bad rap within companies because sometimes people will say oh, hr, they're for the company and not for the people but it's true.
Eniye:In some cases I've got HR before and I know someone that is really, really close to me that is in HR and at the end of the day, hr, look they, I think you're right. But no, you're right, I know they have. They have a job to do, ultimately, I guess, but it's about them doing it rightly. But that's a lot of people feel like HR wants you to leave, they're against you, yeah.
Femi:Yeah, but you're right, I mean, I've experienced that myself. I mean, can I tell you a story of? One of the most painful experiences of my life in a workplace was just having this horrendous manager who I was just like what in the world have I done to this person, right? It was just like what in the world have I done to this person, right? And you know, and it escalated, or I escalated it and went to grievance proceedings and I sat with this HR person and she's like, oh yeah, we know about this woman, we know about this senior leader and blah, blah, blah.
Eniye:But then she said to me well, but if you quote me on, that I'll deny it.
Femi:Why is she still here?
Eniye:And you know it and you're complicit, so you're enabling her or him and you're complicit.
Femi:But obviously the HR person is protecting their job, right, and that was the moment I knew. That was the moment I knew that I had to leave that place. I was like this is not the place for me. He tries to pay bills too, right, right. But I think the one thing, though, is that if there are policies in place, then you can stand on the authority of those promises, those policies, right. If the policy says this and you've experienced something other than what is in the policy, then you have a right, and you have a right, but it starts with being aware of what those things are. Sometimes we take a job and we don't even care to read those things. We just sign them. It's all about the salary. But know what your rights are in the workplace, I would say.
Eniye:Absolutely, absolutely.
Eniye:And there's something to be said about the more complete you become as a person, the more self-aware, the more self-confident, the more you trust in your ability to overcome challenges and the more you are able to look them in the eye and say I'm not comfortable accepting this and I'm walking away. So in the bigger picture, all of these things are part of the journey to growing up. I don't know if I'm saying this correctly, but being able to walk away from a job as well. If you value your self-image and you know that the price I'm paying for staying, the damage I did to my self-image, there's no amount of money that is worth it because I'll pay for it tens of times more. So for that reason, I'd rather walk away and know that I have some struggles financially to make, but I know that my self-image is intact. But that's all part of the self-growth that you can't make that decision until you are truly in that place where you can completely make it, and that's part of the bigger picture of growing yourself anyway. So everything is connected, isn't it?
Femi:Absolutely it is, absolutely it is. And again, that speaks to the journey that I've been through myself times when I was just so insecure and so thinking that my worth was tied to this job, and the first time I was able to say actually, I'm walking away from this was like whoa, I can do this. And it's building that sense of your own worth, your own identity, because sometimes there's these external factors that can strip that away from you.
Eniye:But again, the importance of knowing oneself and growing oneself means that you don't have to be a victim of your circumstances, right absolutely yeah, and that's where your self-talk, what you say to yourself, is important, because once you know who you are, what you're trying to be, you talk to yourself positively and you develop yourself more. This is really, really fascinating. We could go on forever. So I guess the last one is for someone who now goes, and we'll come back to how you can help For someone who goes. Okay, I want to become more self-aware, emotional, intelligent. Do you have any three pieces of advice to give anyone that wants to just go? I want to start on the journey to becoming more self-aware, emotional, intelligent. Do you have any three pieces of advice to give anyone that wants to just go? I want to start on the journey to becoming more self-aware, emotional, intelligent. What's any advice you give them?
Femi:Yeah, I think, if you don't know where to start, work with someone. Work with someone Honestly, like I've as a coach, I've had coaching I I get coaching supervision just to make sense of what's going on in my world. That's something that is just. I've tried to make that a part and parcel of my life. Be in settings where you get asked the difficult questions. You have a safe space to explore.
Femi:I think that it starts, though, with understanding what self-awareness is like. Educate yourself. What is self-awareness, what is emotional intelligence and what are the benefits of those crucial things to your life, to your work, to your relationships, and, I would say, do whatever it takes to build, to build self-awareness, to build self-understanding, and also just to practice self-discovery. Again, we said earlier, what is your personality, what has shaped you, what is your family history, what is your cultural paradigm? What lens are you seeing things through, like using all of the tools available?
Femi:We talked about personality profiles and just understanding what are the positive sides of my cultural upbringing, what are the positive sides of my cultural upbringing, what are the negative sides of it, and how has that shaped me in how I see the world? I think that's really, really crucial. And then what we've talked about mostly is slow down, slow down each day. There are tools that you can use to help yourself to reflect and to make that a habit. Actually, I realized that that is such a need and such an underrated skill because everyone is, everyone's got bills to pay, everyone's hustling, everyone's rushing around. But I think, and the world is designed that way, right. So you've got to be intentional, you've got to be counter-cultural.
Eniye:You've got to take intentional, you've got to be counter-cultural, you've got to take control of your life. You've got to step out of the rat race and just go, yeah, out of the matrix. Out of the matrix, because everything is reinforcing Instagram, social media, tv, parenthood, adulthood everything is just reinforcing each other. So you've got to be able to take almost like an out-of-body experience and just go.
Femi:Yes, it is an out-of-body experience. Yes, it is.
Eniye:So, as we wrap up, how do you help people? How do I help people? Yeah, I mean, let's give people an insight, because I'm sure that people hear that, on top of finding out how to reach out to you, which we'll come to, they're thinking how can she help me?
Femi:How can any help me? Yeah, so each individual is unique. As I said much earlier, one of the first things I do when someone reaches out to me is I'll have an initial conversation with them, and I've been blessed to work with so many different people from so many different backgrounds, and sometimes you see patterns, sometimes you'll see a cultural pattern. You think, okay, I know, but obviously you don't. I mean, it's like a first date, right, you don't, you know? So you, it's about understanding where they're coming from, hearing them out, and then what I try to do is say to them this is what I think that you might need.
Femi:But the first thing that I will do is get people to complete an assessment. I've got a whole life assessment and people look at different areas of their life and they score themselves, and then they and I have a sheet where they can then write okay, in this area, that you scored yourself low. How can you take that from one to seven? How can you move? What do you think you might need? So again, kind of getting a sense of their own awareness, what are they really aware of? And then, if someone decides that they want to work with me, again, depending on what package. Sometimes I work with people weekly. Some people want weekly for the first couple of months, some people want once a month. Then we will tailor it to their needs. I will always provide tools, techniques, feedback that will help them grow, and I always say that nothing is off limits in the space. It's really about people coming to a psychologically safe space, a nonjudgmental space, where they feel seen, they feel heard.
Femi:Emotions are welcome you know in my space to help people and I will ask tough questions. I will ask reflective questions that will help people to go away and really think and understand their why, but it will always be bringing you back to why.
Eniye:Right, fabulous, quick one before we go. Is there a book you can recommend? Is there a book fiction or non-fiction that you think people can read that helps them with this? Any one book that you're reading now that you think read this, this is a good one.
Femi:Yeah, so interesting. Interesting, I mean, I'm currently reading a book called the biology of belief. It's a really good book, actually, and basically it's it's talking about the. So it's going back to the, the human biology, but also kind of the the the physic, physical and the chemical, and, and sometimes we think I'm the way I am because of this or because of that. But again, I haven't finished it yet, but it's that journey of awareness of why am I the way I am, what triggers me and what part do I play in it. So our thinking, the way we think about ourselves, our paradigms, play a big role in our health and well-being and in our mindset. Another book that I read which talks about the power of the mind is the Power of your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy.
Eniye:That's a really good book Read that Really really really good book. Old book Really good book.
Femi:Yes, indeed, and again, it's one of those books that it just stops you in your track and it just makes you really question what's going on in here? What's going on up here?
Eniye:because there's so much happening in the background. That's driving you like the driver, the governor, that's driving you it's all based on stuff you fed yourself or you've been fed, and you really need to go automatically because the subconscious is powerful. It's absolutely, excellent, excellent, absolutely, before we let you go. Where can people find you if they want to find out more about you? How can they reach you? How can they find out? But how can they find out more about you?
Femi:yeah, so I'm, I'm I'm really active on linkedin I. I post a lot on. All my posts are all about self-awareness and personal growth and leadership and EQ, so they can find me on LinkedIn NEA Ocean B. You can also go to my website, wwwneaoceanbcom. I have other social media channels Facebook page and Instagram but I think I am most active on LinkedIn, yeah.
Eniye:Yeah, and I've seen you put some really, really insightful, useful stuff. So whenever any of you is on LinkedIn, just find Aniyah or she'll be in the description of the podcast, click on it and just follow her and also check out some of the things she's saying. Thank you, aniyah. It's been a real eye-opening and pleasure session. I hope you enjoyed it yourself.
Femi:I absolutely loved it. Quite fascinating. Great to talk to you. Thank you for having me on. It's been an absolute joy. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
Eniye:So you've heard it here everyone Self-awareness. It's about understanding your life story. Why do you behave the way you behave? What's your story and your why? What are the triggers? What's happened? Understanding your life story why do you behave the way you behave? What's your story and your why? What are the triggers? What's happened over your background, your life story, to get to where you are?
Eniye:That's causing you to react the way you do now. If it's in your relationships with your husband, your wife, partner, your children, your friends, everything we do is because it's been triggered by something else that we modeled on the childhood imprint that's been imprinted in our life, in our life. That's coded it in there. That's causing us to act automatically in these ways. So how do you deal with it?
Eniye:Well, it's a lot, but for sure, one of the first thing you need to do is reflect, take a pause in the business of life to understand your journey, identify the triggers and know why you're behaving the way you do. And then, after that, really it's about now going okay, how do I get help and anya is someone who can really really help, but also, even if you're not reaching out to her, certainly, research, learn more and, at the very least, just be conscious, be awake, wake up about how you live your life and then from there, when it's time to make the next step, to get the help you need. It's been fun having you. As usual, we try to bring you the best things that can help you unlock your best self. So go out there and remember this week to take a pause and reflect, get unleashed, stay unleashed and we shall see you next week.
